Oh brother

First published on the Golf Monthly website on Thursday 28 August 2008

Fergus has been playing poor golf recently and doesn’t want to write about it anymore. So he’s come up with this instead.

I’ve a confession to make – I’ve been watching Big Brother this summer. I’d like to say it’s because I’m interested from a sociological perspective – that I see it as an important study of how a microcosm of British society interacts and reacts to challenges and adversities. But I can’t. It’s just switch the brain off, mind-numbing viewing requiring no thought whatsoever. After a day of struggling with work, dismal golf and a screaming toddler it’s just about all mine and Jessie’s brains are up to.

Semi-watching it last night I had a thought. Wouldn’t it be great if during the Open next year there was a late night round-up programme at the end of each day in the style of Big Brother?

As my mind drifted towards sleep, watching the goons on BB attempting to put on a Vegas-style variety show, I imagined the first day of my golfing version going something like this: (Remember to put on your best Geordie accent when reading.)

Narrator: Day 1, 7.14am. Vijay Singh has been on the putting green for four hours. He’s holed 1,705 three-footers in a row and is going for a personal best of 1,706.
Vijay: Oh bloody hell I’ve missed it.
Narrator: It’s a bad omen for the big Fijian.

Narrator: 8.25am. Colin Montgomerie is giving an enthusiastic pre-round press conference.
Colin: Of course I’ve got a chance. If I can just get off to a fast start and make some birdies in the first few holes I’ll put myself in a position to win.

Narrator: 10.06am. Colin has just double bogeyed the 4th hole and has dropped to three over par.
Colin: Those blasted marshals!

Narrator: 12.45pm. John Daly has just hit seven balls out of bounds on the 16th hole. It already looks like another cut missed for the American.
John, leaning to the left as another ball drifts away: Awwwh, god darn it.

Narrator: 1.58pm. Colin has just completed a round of 77. He’s refusing to give a post-round press conference.
Colin: I just don’t want to alright!

Narrator: 3.01pm. Spanish journeyman Santiago Luna has just holed his second shot to the final green to fire a first round 65 and take a surprise lead.
Santiago: I just hit at the shot and it go in.

Narrator: 3.45pm. Starter Ivor Robson hasn’t had a pee for nine hours and his voice is getting higher and higher as he crosses his legs tighter.
Ivor: On the teeeeee…..

Right enough of this nonsense. I’m off to have a long hard think about myself.


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