The Sound of Music

First published on the Golf Monthly website on Thursday 23rd October 2008

While watching a film classic Fergus’s mind wanders off in a very strange direction.

Last night while waiting up for some friends to arrive from the airport I found myself watching The Sound of Music on Sky Movies. I must admit I’ve a bit of a soft-spot for Rodgers’ and Hammerstein’s classic describing pre and post Anschluss Austria through songs about wiener schnitzel and pretty flowers. You may scoff, but you can’t deny the film appeals to a broad audience: children, the GCSE level historian, the discontented nun, the schmaltzy musical lover, the fan of lederhosen… the list goes on.

Anyway, my mind started wandering dangerously and, having just returned from this week’s Alliance, I started to think it would be amusing if somebody (probably Andrew Lloyd Webber) wrote – “Alliance the Musical.” I think it might go something like this:

Scene One: The central character arrives in the car park and begins unloading his kit. He talks confidently with his travelling companion who breaks into a little bit of: “He’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes.”

As our man makes his way to the first tee, with a sort of Dick van Dyke cockney skip, most of the field lean out of the clubhouse windows to join in as the song builds to a crescendo. It finishes abruptly as our hero (let’s call him Colin) places his club behind the ball and readies himself to drive.

Scene Four: Colin holes a fantastic putt across the sixth green for his third birdie in a row. He throws his putter in the air in an over-exuberant Jack Nicklaus style celebration. When it comes down, he catches it and unleashes Queen’s: “Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time….” There’d be quite an impressive dance routine along with this number – lots of forward rolls and possibly some sort of human pyramid.

Scene Six: All of a sudden, on the 10th tee, the temperature drops as a chill, sleet filled, wind blows in from the north. Colin begins to question how sensible it is to be on the links and he contemplates heading back to the clubhouse. His playing partners remind him he’s on a good score and begin a rendition of Daniel Bedingfield’s, “We gotta get through this, we gotta get through this…” While singing they take out waterproofs and woolly hats and begin wrapping Colin up to brave the elements.

Scene Eight: A bit of light comic relief as the action shifts to a group of old boys at the back of the field who are having a difficult day on the links. They start talking about their ever-increasing handicaps before breaking into song: “I am 16, going on 17…”

Final scene: Breaking with convention, “Alliance the Musical” will not have a happy ending. Having completed his round in a good (but not great) score, Colin is clubhouse leader and he sits with a pint watching the other competitors finish. News filters in that his sworn Alliance enemy, let’s call him Nick, is on a decent number and needs a birdie up the 18th to better Colin’s total. The cast watch through the window with baited breath as the evil Nick lines up his birdie effort. As it drops Nick punches the air and lets out a maniacal laugh. Colin turns away from the window and begins a wistful version of, “The winner takes it all, the loser standing small…”

Right, I’m stopping now.


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